You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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