Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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