if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
