This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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