I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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