Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
