You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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