it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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