dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
