hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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