I just pynch a tree in the face
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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