she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
