also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
