Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
