That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
