I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
