she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
