Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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