did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
