What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Farmville is her only friend.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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