My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
