you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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