You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
