I accidentally burped into my bong.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
