You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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