he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
