you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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