Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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