i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
