stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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