He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
