; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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