the condom got lost in my hair
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
