Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
