I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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