I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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