In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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