i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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