On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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