Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
