a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
