So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
