I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
