we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
