Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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