I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
