I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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