I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
