my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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