She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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