dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
