Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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