i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
