this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize