dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize