Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
