Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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