made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize