I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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