like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
