It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
