Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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