he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize