Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize