her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
